Month: April 2021

Arguing helps relationships. The purpose of good arguing is not to prove you’re right and the other person is wrong. That is a zero-sum game. And if one loses, both lose. Good arguing tells the other person how you feel. It lets your significant other know what’s on your mind. The other person has to know what bothers you.

Some rules for arguing: Don’t dis the other; Don’t threaten to leave; don’t bring up history-discuss only the current disagreement. If it is a good argument it will end up as a win-win.

I believe that, more often, a man will try to prove he’s right. A woman will want the man to appreciate how she feels. If the man will empathize with the woman without trying to prove he’s right, the relationship will be enhanced.

I asked former clients to send me any ideas or assignments they thought were helpful. A response:

“I remember two assignments vividly. 1. Your use of a proxy to help me believe in me. The proxy was you. You said ‘if I have difficulty believing in myself, remember I believe in you and think of that’. I have often thought of that and how at our moments of weakness that I knowing that someone else believes in me, loves me, accepts me, etc. then it’s a pathway for me to get there. 2. Remember when you concluded I knew nothing of women? How true it was. You asked me to attend the all-women group therapy sessions after our individual session. I was listening and just blown away from the beginning. I learned in fact I knew nothing of women and how they thought, processed emotions, etc. Attending those sessions opened my eyes and allowed me to continue to be curious, to learn and mature.”

Half a century ago a graphics designer made some business cards for me. He also gave me a box of business cards with a depiction of a witchdoctor and some coloring pencils to fill in the design. I loved it and I’ve used it as my logo. The term ‘witchdoctor’ is thought to be pejorative by some. They should read the book by E. Fuller Torrey, M.D.: Witchdoctors and Psychiatrists. He believes that both practitioners are doing the same work. I agree.

I’ve had many great teachers. I hope to impart some of their teachings in my blog.

Another former client’s response:

I loved it when Mark had to stand in front of Solomon Cooper Drugstore and hand out flowers. I loved it when I went shopping with a fellow groupie to spend his money, as he was a bit parsimonious. We bought frivolous stuff at Water Tower and it was difficult for him. Whenever George was going to spend money, he had to call me. He was about to purchase 12 pairs of shoes from an Oak St. Boutique, called me and I met him there, talked him out of buying the shoes, much to the dismay of the salesman. It was illuminating to have to ask friends what they liked about me. It was a difficult question for me to ask. In group making the family circle was fascinating. One was to have group members become family members and place them where they would be in relation to one another. Then one would place them how they would like them to be, again in relation to one another. The bond formed among groupies is phenomenal. You bare your heart and they still love you. Definitely worth a T-shirt (given when one graduates from group).

Another Response: I always found the attempt to recognize the bigger underlying issue from “the problem of the day” to be very helpful. I felt it was eye-opening and helpful to people when they would realize the bigger underlying trait as opposed to the immediate issue. Even now, I use that perspective when confronting issues that I’m trying to analyze for myself and others.

An addition to teaching 1:

I had been taught that acceptance or rejection by one’s parents is the major determinant in how you feel about yourself. There is another source of acceptance or rejection, I believe. It is one’s social environment. If you are the alien, the one who doesn’t fit in to the prevailing religious or political ideology and you are made to feel like the outsider, you may work hard to please others in order to be accepted, even though you were accepted by your parents.

My name is Ted. It’s not the name I was given. My birth certificate lists me as Tibor (a fine Hungarian name). On the first day in second grade the teacher called me up to her desk and asked me to pronounce my name – Tyber? Tibber? I said ‘Tibor’. Shall we call you Theodore from now on? I happily said ‘yes’ because the kids made fun of my name. I didn’t realize that kids make fun of whatever name you have.

I am a secular rabbi. I served as a chaplain in the USAF for two years after ordination (a commitment to serve the community). I then had a small congregation in Connecticut while I studied and got my Ph. D. in Near Eastern Languages and Literatures – mainly Arabic studies. Afterwards I was the rabbi in a large congregation in Massachusetts. The most enjoyable part of my work as a rabbi was counseling so I decided to enter the intensive program for clergy at the Adler Institute in Chicago. The rest is history. I found my gift and my passion and within two years I had a full practice and was in heaven.

I want to convey in my blog my personal experience and also what I have learned over the past 50 years. May it be enjoyable and valuable reading!

We are amazingly creative in recreating our childhood as adults. We find people who replicate so many of the qualities of the significant individuals of our childhood. The same attitudes and outlooks we once had remain and hinder or help us in our search for meaning and happiness in our lives.

People come to therapy because they are in pain or because they cause pain in others who then tell them to go for therapy. The most important asset that enables a person to change their way of dealing with life is guts. If you never risk you will fail to change. If you risk, you may fall many times but ultimately you will get to where you want to go. A therapist will encourage you (=give heart) to take a chance.